As I sat one day telling a friend of my childhood experiences, it occurred to both of us, that I don’t tell stories of delightful, fun, frivolous times. Only the dark stories come to mind. Am I in a dark part of my life that I only recall the worst of times? Or is it that I am trying to come to grip with what my childhood has to do with the way I interact with the world, my children, my friends, my loves?
Spending the better part of the last 3 years learning about Narcissism has brought me here. I am tired of learning about the assholes, the liars, my parents, siblings, ex husbands, lovers and one of my children. This knowledge took me down a path to self discovery. Why in the hell do I put up with these people? Why keep them in my life? Why am I a target, easy prey for them? What makes me such a push over to the likes of them? Is there some hidden underlying smell? When I open my mouth, do I resonate a sound that lets them KNOW that I am an easy target? Is this what I KNOW? Am accustomed to? Does my subconscious go – “Hey, I KNOW this, I’m comfortable here” ?
Even though I’ve read volumes on what they are, how they attract the likes of me, possibilities of how they got that way, there is very little information out there, for ME, to learn about my special breed. To tell me, this is what you are, that makes you an easy target. The online groups are full of us empaths, easy targets. Most of us are fun, loving, caring, gentle, generous, flexible, sociable, and beautiful people to the soul. Of which have been in some of the most disastrous relationships EVER.
Being to the point of “I know what the problem is”, now, how do I fix it? It leads me down a new path, Why do I try to FIX everyone? Do I need that kind of control? Do I feel like if I FIX them, the world will be a better place? I can’t even fix myself, much less anyone else! But I do, I keep trying. Then I catch myself, and try to pull back. I can dish it out, but can’t follow my own advice?
It is almost like an addiction! I gotta get my fix, talk to him! Tell him/her, they are NOT seeing the bigger picture! I have this crazy intuition, feeling of impending doom. Do I try, or do I keep my damn mouth shut? I have eliminated the words could, would and should from my vocabulary. I don’t apologize for EVERY damn thing anymore. Some texts take me 3 tries, trying to reword it so as not to say “I’m Sorry”. I will take full responsibility for hurting anyone, but will no longer apologize for something I had NO control over.
Trying to continue on in this life, being the caring, loving, giving, honest, empathetic person that I am, and always have been. And find the life partner that loves me and all my brightness…and darkness, because I deserve to be loved, unconditionally, completely and unabashedly.