Here I lay in my bed nearly 2 years after my last failed relationship. I have come along way.
First, I have learned what causes me to make unhealthy choices when it comes to a partner. Second, I have loved again.
Before we rejoice, let it be known that this love is not to last. I walked into a relationship thinking it was going to be a fling. In the back of my head (heart not involved yet) that I could open myself up, just enough to enjoy the company, companionship, commarderie, laughter, sarcasm, jokes, touching, feeling, and the albeit short lived love of a good man.
What was supposed to be a couple of months, has now turned into 7 months. I…Miss Shot Gun dating extraordinaire, with nary a 3rd Date under my belt, fell the fuck in Love!
With my best friend and new love living next door to each other, I gained 15 lbs, and a new lease on life! Good food and good company without a worry in the world! I was actually learning what it was like to be treated like an equal, with valuable thoughts and input! We laughed at the same jokes, ahh’ed at the same puppy pictures, enjoyed a multitude of similarities, and joked about our differences. Not a single solitary fight has occurred. Shared stories untold to many.
Talked about when we were abused, why we were abused, and what we had learned from our abusers. shared stories of past relationships, and in depth discussions of why we stayed, and what the consequences of staying were.
Went into depth, the levels of compassion that we shared, and why it made us a target to be abused. Another human being LIKE me! Compassionate, caring, loving and broken, like me. Another prey!
With every passing day, it grew! Neither of us expected it to grow. Neither knew how to handle the depth of the feelings. Discussions had been had about NOT letting it get to this point.
I never knew the reward of a simple touch. I was rewarded every single time that skin touched skin. Every single solitary time! I craved the reward, the coo of contentment. Intimacy could be had, without intercourse! What a concept! Why did I have to wait until now, to experience this? Why on earth have I spent half of my life, being a pleaser, without rewards, reciprocal feelings, pleasure and treatment?
Could it be, that I have never felt worthy of being treated like a wonderful, loving, honest, caring person that I am? I am worthy. I am honest. I am loving. I am caring. I am lovable.
In the beginning, it was hard to believe that there was NO motive, no backstabbing to be had, no underlying agenda. I felt good! When I was near. When there were short bouts of absence, my fractured female brain, would create issues. Create thoughts, that were mine, and mine alone. The inner turmoil was enough to make myself crazy, sad, mad, anxious, and self-defeating mostly. Mainly a product of my past…and insecurity.
There was hope… Hope that this could be something that could last the rest of my life. A hope, that even THIS may not be THE ONE, that there was hope for me.
Even when the discussion was had about my hopes, I wasn’t shunned for feeling so much. I was understood. I was heard. This person has empathy! I am NOT being used!
His words to me…”you sit there on your side of the fence, with your filet mignon, your crystal glasses, fine china and silverware, beckoning me to join you, and here I sit on my side of the fence, with my family, in a disfunctional relationship, that I cannot and will not leave. I was raised without a father, and I will not abandon my children”.
rmblondie60 